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Sunday 12 January 2014
Sunday 23 December 2012
Pappa, please just once.
Pappa...
Its going to be six years that you left me. I still want to fight with you for that. I told you on that Friday, 'Please don't go to Bhavnagar.' But you being you, you left and never came back.
I still can't accept you are gone.
You were to spend more time with me. I don't remember that anybody at home ask me for a glass of water any more. Things, people, thoughts etc have moved on but me? I am still lost some where, at that very point where you were gone, so suddenly. I still remember we reading news papers together, the last film we watched at a multiplex and you loved the cup full of tea and even asked me how much did it cost and then even were surprised, irked that why to pay twenty five rupees for a cup of tea?
How you always wished that I complete all parts of Pathmala? How in every summer vacation I would buy a new note book and mom would crib,'I know you will never complete it.' And how actually I never did, but still I could narrate the Sikandar and his Elephant story without any grammatical mistakes. You were thrilled when I learnt active and passive voice. Pappa I never make mistakes of 's' and 'es' when I use third person singular. How we went to all the book exhibitions and bought bunches of books, some times the same once again because I wanted a new one, and you teased me that you will tell mom that I forced you to buy them all for me. Every time I used to fell ill you would take me to the doctor and say that I survived on Samosaz. By they way it was you who bought them for me. Dad I don't eat Samosaz often and go to all sorts of doctor all alone but believe me you.. I am scared of doing so. Coming with you to all Dharanas, demonstrations, lectures and what not is something still I want to relive. I loved being THE KIRIT BHATT's daughter. How can I forget that when you didn't get excited about my salary reaching ten thousand, I fought with you but you just said, 'its just the beginning.' Were you so sure of me? I would have loved listening every thing from you. I wish you were there now, when I am in a situation that I could have done a lot for you. Dad you read out Happy Days to me and gave me best of the books to read. You let me grow the way I wanted to,. You trusted me more than anyone else in the family. I hate every one who has tried to hurt you.
Papa speak to me once. I bought a golf cap last year when it was your birthday. I want you to talk about what I am doing and how I must go about it. I want you to hear your voice daily when I reach home in the middle of the night. I know you never went off to sleep till I reached home.
It feels very lonely without you Pappa. I am tired of holding this brave mask now that 'all is fine.' No Pappa, I need you. I never got enough of you because you were so busy with every one around you. But then I know you were sure of me, but at least come once to see the results of the surety you had about me. I meet at least two persons a week who say that they are what they are because of you. I have a complain dad, I want to be you, come to me once. Pappa do you remember that you always told me that I shouldn't worry about making pages. I make pages and have made some of the best one's. All are there to appreciate but they are not you. Its winter and no one asks me, ' Where is my woolen cap?' You always knew it was next to you pillow but still you wanted that I must give it to you. Same was the case with your spectacles. By the way I have similar trouble with cold and sneezing that you had. But I know the medicine and I want to give that to you. I want to hear your Hello after a very deep pause on phone. I want to hear all that odd names you called me with. I still want to tease you with Madhuri Dikshit.I write a copy and I want you to read it. Pappa, I want to buy new tea set for you. A nice golf cap, a pen, a nice jhola. I hate Octobers as I can't buy khadi for you any more. I buy all that you used to buy for mom, I do take care of her the best I can. But we miss you. I want to take care of you too. Pappa please come back, just once, for me. I need you.
Friday 14 December 2012
Winter School Shimla: Gyan Marg to attain Gandhi
This is the same place where once British
Viceroy was gravely discussing about how to nail down Gandhi. Every wall and
each stone of this magnificent building has heard constant talks about how a
dhoti clad lean man named Gandhi can be proved dangerous for British Empire.
Today it is a paradoxical situation. This edifice office of Viceroy is still
the same but a tiny charkha is one of the decorations on it’s table. Those
walls and stones now listen to long talks on Gandhi’s spirituality, his greatness.
The Vicerigal lodge of the British period is now known as Indian Institute of
Advance Study (IIAS). IIAS teaches the making of Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
into Mahatma.
Since last three years IIAS organises a Winter School on life and
thought of Gandhi. What made that man? Why the entire Nation was ready to give up anything on his
one word? What were the reasons behind whatever happened in his life? Why
people who differed with him never left him? A man who was either fasting or was busy with
his Charkha had something in him that he proved to be an eclipse for the
shining sun of British Empire, but what was that ‘something’?
When, some of the best of the teachers talk about these issues
surrounding Gandhi in the Winter School they take you closer to solutions of
some ever lasting confusions and questions. This adds to romance, pain, force,
introspection and hunger to know more and more about the Mahatma.
This is a different kind of Gandhi School,
where no body is clad in Khadi clothes that will be more like a rug after one
wash. Gandhi’s celibacy, his ambition to lead, his associations with women, troubled
relations with his children, stubbornness of not moving an inch from what he
thought was correct and many such more questions can be discussed freely and
thankfully you are not even judged.
At least in this Winter School you don’t
have to be a Gandhian to understand Gandhi. His Khadi, liquor prohibition,
politics, spirituality, values all are observed from 360 degree perspective in
black and white.
Social scientist and Gandhian Scholar
Tridip Suhrud explains Satyagrah in
South Africa, evolving of Satyagrah
thought, first imprisonment of Bapu and many more facets for hours in his soft
voice and no eyes are blinked. At one point the great Dandi March is talked about
and there you have questions brimming. Why Bapu never returned to live in
Gujarat after that? Are we still failing to find Gandhi? Was he hurt? After
prolonged discussions one may find some answers but more questions stand there
holding Bapu’s lathi to be responded. You are still attempting to understand
Bapu’s strategies and there a question is thrown at you. IIAS Director Peter
D’souza makes things complicated when he asks, ‘Can a deep moral thinker be a
strategists?’ Even after listening and understanding Gandhi for fifteen days
leaves you puzzled at this very point.
While listening about Satyagrah at Dhrasana one comes to know that brutal lathi charge
took place for 21 days. Later British demanded a report that had details of
fractured bones of Satyargrahis. Mainly
shoulders and heads were fractured not fingers as none of the Satyagrahis rose their hands in defence..
By the way the lathi charge started at 6.30 a.m. and continued till 4.30 p.m. While
Tridip Suhrud unfolds the painful truth about Dharasana Lathi Charge, the
silence in Sidhdharth Vihar, the conference room at IIAS is accompanied by some
sobs.
Hind Swaraj was written in eleven days when
Gandhi was travelling from London to South Africa. You are taught this text not
just in contexts of values and nationalism. Even its epistemic and cognitive
nature is explained to you, and you are even told why and how it led to new dawn of civilization. While scholar Ananya Bajpai elucidates why
Hidn Swaraj was written, senior historian S.R. Mehrotra talks about Gandhi’s
ambition and passion for leadership.
Congress accepts partition. Indians who drove away British through non
violence suddenly turns violent. Mahadev Desai and Kasturba are no more. Gandhi suffers political isolation.Gandhi is nothing more
than a discarded property for Congress. These days Gandhi consistently speaks
about his death. He told his companions, ‘if I die a natural death you must
declare that this was one man who could never follow truth.’ To Manu he said
that it was her responsibility to shout and tell people,’ This Mahatma was
fake.’ Gandhi could not endure the cringing state of his Ahimsa.
In the Winter School class one comes to
know that at one point Gandhi started believing firmly that if his death wouldn’t
be blood spattered and violent, the national violence wouldn’t stop ever. These
were crucial times. On one side Gandhi was surrendering to depression and
socio-political situations were turning bad to worse. It seemed that it was
destiny’s order that Gandhi and Godse must face each other. Was Gandhi a Mrityunjay or he achieved his death wish?
He always said, ‘My ideal death would be at a time while I am returning from Prathansabha.’ By receiving three
bullets in his chest Gandhi stopped all roads to violence. Gandhi, who
always wanted to come face to face with God held his own cross.
This makes you to think about Bhishma. A
war was fought by Bhishma and Gandhi too had his own battles. Both had very
different weapons. But the finale aim for what they both struggled didn’t exist;
let it be Kuruvansh or the Akhand Bharat. Neither Bhishma’s armour
nor Gandhi’s khadi could resist
shower of actual or socio-political arrows. Both failed miserably.
Each learner gets his or her own Gandhi in
this Winter School. Professors, students every one desires to visit Sabarmati Ashram in Ahmedabad because ‘Hradaykunj’ beats in their hearts now.
Gandhi followed his inner being through out his life. Congress, Hindu Mahasabha
or Gandhians none has a solution to this puzzle known as Gandhi. The threads
one gets at the Winter School lead to another set of questions. True Gandhism
is somewhere in the answers of these questions. There are two ways of attaining
God in Purans; Bhakti Marg and Gyan Marg. If Gandhian institutions are
Bhakti Marg to attain Gandhi than Winter School is the Gyan Marg.
PAPA, I KNOW…!
Mitra was very happy; because
it was her birthday after two days and the first news she got in the morning
was that dad’s new play was opening the very same day, on 17th
August. The thought was exciting because she would be turning 20 this year and
would be leaving for US for further studies within few months. The only thing
that worried her the most was, ‘what papa will do all alone once I leave?
For Mitra, Papa was the
center of her life. Since her childhood Papa was always there for her. She knew
her Ma, as a short-lived cancer patient who died leaving the lovely daughter to
look after. Papa always told her that Ma was very loving and tender. But, she
never even saw Ma’s picture. Earlier many questions played on her mind but she
started enjoying Papa’s company as time passed and never missed her lovely Ma.
He was more like a pal than Papa. He was a playwright and that too a serious
one! Mitra saw him busy scribbling all
the time. Earlier she used to throw tantrums because she didn’t understand, why
did he write so much? As she grew she realized that there were only two things
in Papa’s life and they were his writing and her.
It seemed that, for Abhinav,
Mitra was the only reason to live. His
loneliness was eighteen years young, but with Mitra around it hardly existed
for him. He was more like an eccentric
when with his own self. But when it came to Mitra he was the most enlightened
father. He would suddenly talk of fashion trends and latest music and all funky
things that Mitra would prefer.
Mitra remembered her last
birthday when he gifted her with a turquoise eveningwear with sexy cuts. She
couldn’t believe her eyes and when she asked Papa that how he could manage to
get the latest one. Abhinav gave a smile
and said, ‘Beta, I know…!’ This had become quite regular because Abhinav got
something or the other and it always matched precisely to what Mitra wanted. It
could be dresses, music, movie tickets or books. And to Mitra’s wonder Papa
always had one thing to say, ‘Beta I know…!’ It happened even with her career
planning. Till now it was not apparent, how her simple Papa could know so much,
but he knew.
Today when Mitra came from
college, Abhinav was not at home and had left a chit that he would come
late. She was awaiting her bolt from the
blue on this birthday, but there were still two days to go. For a change she decided to give a surprise
to Abhinav. The only thing she could do was to clean his study, which was never
done because entering there was confined to Abhinav only.
Though it was a major task, with scripts lying
here and there, shelves packed with books and papers lying all over the table,
she was firm to do it. Abhinav kept losing his things now and then and so Mitra
decided to put all in order without asking him.
Mitra went upstairs and
couldn’t understand, ‘where to start from?’ She got a ceramic pen stand and put
all kinds of writing instruments in it. Made separate bunches of scripts,
poetry pages and newspaper cuttings. With all her surprises she found some yellow
flowers and colorful feathers in between few pages. When her hands reached the
top shelf of the book rack a diary fell down. She had seen Papa caring that with
him almost everywhere. It seemed he had forgotten it that day. The curious mind
wanted to look in to it.
Mitra opened it. The first few pages described her birth and
the pain associated with it. She was shocked to know that her Ma never wanted
to get her in the world. It spoke of Papa’s struggle to explain Ma the want of
a child. With teary eyes she tried to read it further but heard Abhinav calling
from downstairs.
Papa was home. She silently
took the diary in her room and joined Papa in dinner. Abhinav was too tired to
hear about the cleaning of the study and went to sleep.
Here in Mitra’s room the gloomy
facts were right in front of her eyes.
The diary said….
And she bluntly told me
today when I was caring Mitra to the cradle “Abhinav, I can’t live with you
anymore…it’s over…you wanted a child and now you got it. Don’t ask me why and
where I am going and don’t try to contact me ever again.” And she left us that
evening…what will I tell Mitra when she asks me about her Ma? I don’t want
hatred in my child. God, please help me.
Mitra now knew that Ma was
alive somewhere but never turned back. The diary further read about her first
word ‘Pa’ and her first teeth and her footsteps. She could see her growth in
the letters scribbled in that diary.
Now Mitra is growing. She asked me about her Ma and I
said that nice lady is a star in the sky. Is it fair? Don’t know, but could
convince her.
Her sleep
was lost that night and she kept on reading. That diary had noises of Abhinav’s
loneliness. The shrilling pain of silent screams of a loner was written in it.
But then
Mitra read some thing and she was thunder struck. It said…
When I first met Madhvi, I sensed the lost sensitivity
in her eyes. She is too tender and young but speaks like a grown-up. Now it has
been almost a year and she asked me what next? Don’t know what to tell her. She
is too young. I sense the intensity but I feel Mitra won’t accept her. I will
explain this to Madhvi.
Mitra
could not trust her eyes; Dad had someone in his life but where was she? She
hurriedly leafed through the pages.
‘Madhvi told me that if it’s Mitra’s question she
could adjust. She had decided to leave the city till Mitra gets older, so she
won’t be an obstacle in my life. This girl is crazy and stubborn.’
‘Madhvi left the town but has promised to see me once
a month. I feel emptied. How could she do this? But Mitra needs me more. She
called last night and kept talking about Mitra. Now Madhvi wants to live
alone.’
‘Mitra loved the set of audio books and asked me that
how did I know she wanted it. I can’t tell her it was not I. Madhvi thinks I
should know all about a teenage girl. She sent me a write up on menstrual cycle
so that I can explain it to Mitra and it really helped.’
“Madhvi today called and said she will be getting a
designer eveningwear for Mitra’s next birthday. Madhvi keeps on sending all
this. She mails me about latest trends. I had to ask her whether she has some
place for me or not!!? Madhvi is coming here on 17th August. I want
her to meet Mitra but I am not sure about Mitra? Now she is mature and I think can’t
take all this because for her, Ma is no more.
Madhvi will see me at the same café on the station road, sit for few
hours and will go away.’ Part time life is not an exciting idea though…
‘Mitra freaked out with the attire and again asked me
how I could manage it. As usual I had to say, ‘I know beta...’ I wish…I could
tell her that its Madhvi who taught me how to be a good father.’
By the
time Mitra finished reading the diary her Whinny the Pooh pillow was all wet.
Papa took the pain of being alone and never said anything. Her Ma was alive
somewhere and never even bothered and here there was someone who was so much
concerned about her. She couldn’t decide how to talk about it to Papa. Next day
she left early for college. Sat in the library and read those scribbled words
again and again.
Abhinav
was amazed when Mitra said that she wanted to attend college on her birthday.
She had some important lecture. Abhinav dropped her at college and went to the
flower shop. Every time he met Madhvi he used to get yellow flowers for her. He
reached at the station road. He could feel the waiting eyes, the warmth.
As soon
as he entered the café his eyes straight went to the table where Madhvi was
sitting. His feet stopped there. He was flabbergasted. Mitra walked towards
him, held his hand, looked at Papa and took him to Madhvi. Abhinav asked in a
confused voice…’How come you here Mitra?’
Mitra
gave him a hug and then looked in his eyes and said…”Papa, I know…!”
Chirantana
Bhatt
Tuesday 4 December 2012
MY SHARE OF FRAGRANCE
Nita looked at the shriveled flowers of Rajnigandha and then
glanced at the windowpane. Raindrops were trying to peep in to her cozy room.
She was alone. It has been seven years, that day was not different from today.
That day she had gone to the market. It was sweaty and
sticky. The rains were not yet out of the clouds. Nita was busy looking for
fresh potatoes. Different shades were mixing up in her mind. She was lost in
another world, searching for some soothing moment. Someone pulled her dupatta,
little irritated she looked back. It was a street kid, holding a bunch of Rajnigandha;
the kid looked at here with dry eyes. As if those eyes were scared to
dream. There was no reason but she
bought the bunch of flowers and returned home. Her husband gave her a puzzled
look. He asked,” what made you buy this? What about my aloo chips?” She looked
at him with dry eyes. He left. She sat near the window with a cup of coffee and
those flowers. It started raining. She was trying to smell the rain and was
looking at the flowers. With every drop of rain she was taking a step backward.
It happened few days ago.
She always saw Vedant at the book shop, sitting at the right
side corner table. She often went to the book shop and every time that right
side corner looked the same. This monotonous man amazed her. One day she
happened to reach early and when he came he was lost in search of his own
corner. Nita smiled and got up. She heart the monotonous man for the first
time,” please, continue your work, I will come tomorrow”. Before she could
utter anything he left. The next day she couldn’t understand how and why but
she was again at his corner before him. There he arrived to get settled in his
corner. And before he leaves suddenly Nita told him to take his corner. With no
reason she added,” would you mind if I share this corner with you?”
He looked at her and his eyes spoke, since then Nita sat
there every day.
At that time Nita
was twenty something and he must be in his thirties. Vedant’s hair was usually
undone; his eyes spoke the most as if looking for someone who could hear them.
He was tall, broad shouldered. Dusky Nita wanted to touch life with her long
fingers.
Days passed
and that silent, right side corner started chirping. Both shared cup of coffee, and now Nita too had
liking for black coffee. Vedant lived alone with his son and came to the
bookshop after dropping him to school. He used to write for a magazine online
and he enjoyed music. He was still
getting adjusted with newness of the town.
He loved reading Nita’s poems aloud and enjoyed finding mistakes in
them. Nita was drowning in those deep eyes day by day. One day she didn’t come
and the coffee cup was not emptied.
It was raining
when Vedant saw Nita running towards him in the bookshop street. Her marriage
was to take place in next few weeks. She was getting married to the man her
parents found perfect for her. The rains suddenly stopped and sky was dry. The
fragrance of the rain filled their hearts and Vedant kept looking at the rainy
eyes of Nita.
Once the ceremonies were over Nita came to the bookshop and
shared a cup of black coffee with Vedant. She had nothing to say. Vedant spoke
something which sounded like,”The coffee tastes better today. I never
knew that I will miss you. But be happy.”
On that day they went for a quiet walk, holding hands, passing
warmth to each other, knowing nothing.
It was drizzling again. Nita was feeling cold. They stood aside. Vedant
pulled her, the embrace was tight. Nita
didn’t leave him. She closed her eyes tightly, as the moment was freezing in
her. She was filled with something.
After few days she again went to the bookshop but that
corner was empty and it gave a feel that it will never chirp again.
It has been seven long years. She kept reading Vedant online
but never tried to reach him. Because she always felt that he was within her
breath. She still smelled that secure deep breath around in the aura that
covered her.
She looked at the seven years’ fresh dryness of Rajnigandha,
looked out of the window and sipped her black coffee.
Chirantana Bhatt
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Bikhare lafz
RAAT KE DAAMN SE NIND CHURANE KI KOSHISH ME.....
TANHAI KI SUKHI AANKHE KAAJAL DALE JAGTI RAHI....!
KORE SAPNE, BHIGI PALKE, MAAYUS CAHND, BERANG DHANUK...
RISHTO KE YE TUKDE JODE,RAAT KATRA KATRA PIGHALTI RAHI...!
AAINA ANJAN HOKAR, AANKHE MUNDE, MUH CHHUPAYE ROSHNI SE...
SANNATE KI KHAI ME MERE HATH TUMHARI AAWAZ DHUNDHTE RAHE...!
TANHAI KI SUKHI AANKHE KAAJAL DALE JAGTI RAHI....!
KORE SAPNE, BHIGI PALKE, MAAYUS CAHND, BERANG DHANUK...
RISHTO KE YE TUKDE JODE,RAAT KATRA KATRA PIGHALTI RAHI...!
AAINA ANJAN HOKAR, AANKHE MUNDE, MUH CHHUPAYE ROSHNI SE...
SANNATE KI KHAI ME MERE HATH TUMHARI AAWAZ DHUNDHTE RAHE...!
Chirantana
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